If you’ve ever had a coworker who is a narcissist, you know how difficult it can be to work with that person. Narcissists need constant attention and praise to feed their egos. They want to feed their egos, and will try to exploit the others around them for this purpose. As they put others down to feed their own ego, a narcissistic colleague will tend to minimize your successes and lionize his or her own.
When we talk about narcissists and narcissism, usually it’s to talk about the problems that relationships with such people cause. It’s hard to miss the number of self-centered, attention-seeking, self-valuing individuals who stand out in entertainment, politics. Research shows that narcissists not only like to be in leadership positions, but are likely to be chosen for these positions by their peers. Which makes really important to learn how to deal with them in the workplace.
Here are some tips for dealing with this difficult situation and person:
Establish boundaries
Establish boundaries. Narcissists are drawn to people who are agreeable and accommodating, so it is important to establish boundaries early on. Be clear about what you will and won’t do, and enforce them consistently. This can be done by setting limits when interacting with a narcissist colleague in person or over email/phone/text messages. If you’re working remotely—for example, via Slack or email—make sure that others know when interacting with the narcissist that these messages might not be read immediately due to other obligations.
When establishing boundaries for yourself, keep in mind that you should be consistent rather than arbitrary when enforcing them: if one day you tell someone not to come into your office unannounced but then allow them entrance on another occasion (or vice versa), this inconsistency will only serve as evidence of their power over you (“See? I’m still allowed here!”). It’s also important not just what kind of response you give when responding but also how it’s delivered: avoid being defensive or confrontational; instead try explaining why something needs to happen in a nonthreatening way
Keep your distance.
- Distance yourself from the narcissist. Narcissists are often charismatic and persuasive, which makes it hard to stay away from them. However, if you want to deal with a narcissist at work, then your best bet is to avoid them altogether. This may mean avoiding opportunities for interaction or even changing jobs altogether if they’re in your department.
- Do not get involved with the narcissist’s drama—even if you have been asked! Narcissists love attention and will use any opportunity they can get their claws in; so don’t give them one!
- Don’t try to help the narcissist—ever! Even if this person asks for help (and there’s no reason why he/she would) just say no and move on because he/she will never be grateful for anything that you do for him/her anyway.
Disengage.
The best way to deal with a narcissist is to disengage. You don’t want to get caught up in the drama, and you certainly don’t want them taking up more and more of your time. Don’t engage with them on social media or in person unless it’s absolutely necessary (and even then, limit yourself).
Don’t try to prove yourself or show how good you are at what you do. Narcissists only care about themselves; they never care about other people’s achievements or successes. If anything, they’ll use these things against you later on!
Don’t try to get through to them; narcissists aren’t interested in changing their behavior unless it would benefit themselves (see next point). Don’t try making friends with this person either: remember that friendship takes two people who treat each other well, not one person who exploits another for personal gain.
Stop trying to prove yourself
- Stop trying to prove yourself
The narcissist is never going to recognize you as an equal, so don’t bother trying. You are not going to win them over with your hard work, good nature or charm. And if you do succeed in gaining their respect, it will be short-lived—because the next time they feel threatened by someone else, they will revert back to their usual self-absorbed behavior and dismiss you once again.
- Don’t try being better than the narcissist
- Don’t try being smarter than the narcissist
- Don’t try being more attractive than the narcissist
- Don’t try being more successful than the narcissist
- Just be you!
Don’t take it personally.
Narcissists rarely change their behavior because they lack the ability to see that they have a problem – they lack self awareness. They will continue to treat you poorly and expect you to put up with it. The best thing you can do is not take it personally. You don’t want your relationship with this person to affect your ability to do your job or get in the way of your career goals, so try not to let what he or she does bother you at work too much.
If possible, try not even engaging with them if there’s an opportunity for confrontation (e.g., via email). If there isn’t an option for avoidance, be polite but firm when responding—don’t let any negativity from them get under your skin and make sure that any disagreements remain professional in nature.
Remember, Rather than taking responsibility for their own failures, narcissists will deflect and blame them on others. Narcissists are quick to cast aspersions on their colleagues, often projecting weaknesses they don’t recognize onto those around them and then blaming others for the resulting failure. No one can be better than a narcissist: it’s too big an insult – so don’t take it personally.
Address the issue quickly.
Don’t wait too long to address the issue. If you let it fester and linger, you’re only going to make things worse for yourself and your colleagues. If a narcissist colleague isn’t addressing their negative behavior, don’t wait for them to come to you; go directly to management with a request for change. And when they do apologize, don’t accept it at face value—get concrete results from them first (such as promising not to repeat the offense or making amends).
Stay calm, assertive and focused.
- Stay calm, assertive and focused.
- Don’t let the narcissist see you sweat. You may feel like they are trying to make you look bad, but that’s because they’re trying to make themselves look good by making others look bad. So don’t give them ammunition against you by getting upset or angry. Don’t let them see that they have gotten under your skin, either: no tears or loud arguments will help the situation at all; instead, take some time out when necessary so that everyone can calm down before moving forward with whatever needs to be done next.
- Keep your emotions in check. This is a hard thing for many people who struggle with empathy (like narcissists do), but it’s important not only for maintaining relationships with colleagues but also for keeping a healthy work-life balance overall—and we all know how important balance is!
Avoid gossip.
Avoid gossip.
Narcissist thrive on gossip, especially when it makes them look good and other look bad. Gossip is a waste of time, it’s a waste of energy, it’s a waste of brainpower and relationships. Gossip has been shown to negatively affect productivity and employee engagement by causing employees to feel disconnected from the organization and their colleagues. The cost of hiring new people who leave quickly or become disengaged can be as much as five times the person’s annual salary (according to Harvard Business Review). This means that every time you gossip about someone else at work, you’re throwing away hundreds or thousands of dollars that could have been better spent elsewhere—or even saved altogether if you had just focused on improving yourself rather than complaining about someone else!
Use humor.
Humor is a powerful weapon that can be used to lighten the mood, make a point or get your message across, especially in an office dominated by a narcissist. But if you don’t use it with caution and consideration, it can backfire and hurt your relationship with colleagues who are sensitive or insecure.
Make sure that when you use humor in the workplace, you’re not doing so as a means of hurting someone’s feelings or making them look foolish, like a narcissist would. Humor should be used to break tension when two people are having an argument or disagreement; not to exacerbate those feelings by ridiculing someone else’s personality traits or intelligence levels.
Show empathy and compassion.
Narcissists are experts at making others feel like they’re the ones in the wrong. So if a narcissist says something rude to you, don’t take it personally and don’t react impulsively. Instead, use this time as an opportunity to work on your patience and kindness. Remember that the narcissist is only acting out because they’re in pain; their behavior is not personal against you. They need help and may be too proud or defensive for their own good—and yours!
A few tips: Be patient with yourself and with others; don’t take things personally; remember that no one can make us feel inferior without our permission; ask for help if you need it; ask yourself what would Jesus do? (Hint: He’d probably give someone else some of his loaves and fishes…); don’t be afraid to be assertive (but also avoid being aggressive); don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself when necessary but also avoid needless confrontation—all these things will help keep you grounded during stressful times with an unbalanced colleague who doesn’t know how hurtful their words can actually be
It’s never easy dealing with a narcissist colleague at work but there are things you can do to make it better for yourself
- Be assertive:
The best way to deal with a narcissist colleague at work is by being assertive, clear and confident. Assertiveness means standing up for yourself without being aggressive or rude. You can do this by asking questions rather than making statements when debating a topic or having an argument with your coworker. For example, if you think it’s wrong that they want to order pizza again but they’re insisting on it anyway, ask them why they feel that way instead of saying something like “I think we should order something different” (which could cause an argument). This helps avoid confrontation while still getting your point across in a non-confrontational manner.
- Be clear and honest with your feelings:
When you’re trying to deal with a narcissist colleague at work, it’s important that you’re clear about how you feel. You can do this by being assertive and confident in what you say, as well as making sure your words match the tone of voice you use when speaking to them.
- Be firm and supportive as well as empathetic, compassionate and friendly:
There are times when you’ll need to be firm with your colleague. They may not always agree with everything you say or do, but if they know that you’re there for them no matter what happens then it will help build rapport between the two of you. You can show support by being patient and respectful during disagreements.
Whether you’re dealing with a narcissistic colleague at work or trying to make some changes in your personal life, being assertive is an important part of the process. When someone is being difficult for no reason other than their own ego and sense of importance, it can be hard not to let that person get under your skin. But by using these tips, you’ll be able to handle yourself better while still maintaining a respectful and professional demeanor.
Now that you know how to deal with difficult co-workers and identify their behavior, it’s time for you to be proactive about your own well-being. You can still be the best employee, even if your work environment is chaotic. If nothing else, it will make them appreciate your poise and professionalism that much more!
Narcissistic supervisors can cause us to feel chronically anxious and undermined at work: if the narcissist is our boss, we can be especially vulnerable because we fear losing our rights. If you are in a situation that you cannot manage, it is wise to seek professional help.
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